Questions and Answers

I am getting this down because I need to. This is the beginnings of my writing. I have put it off for long enough. I began thinking about life and other things, I don’t know when. I suppose it was only seven or so years ago. Before that I think I just went through life or life went through me. Maybe I had the beginnings of it before then, but I can’t be sure. I never really applied myself to it until then. Now I can’t stop. My mind is constantly filled with notions, possibilities. A free flowing exchange of ideas, like a chemical reaction. Ideas of the way the world, the universe is, should be. I have my own ideas. I have been too lazy to really study the ideas of others. It seems easier to get together my own ideas then try to prove them later by taking what I want from those that have already been accepted by the public. I think that this has served me well up until now. Sometimes learning too much, I think, can stop one from thinking for themselves. This is why I think I have chosen now. I was just watching a documentary on Satre. I’ve heard his name and knew he was a philosopher. I had also heard of existentialism before but never really knew what it meant. That is why I am here. I think some if those ideas may tie in with my own. What is so amazing about these ideas? They are ones which have floated around my feeble brain for years. The idea that we are selfish beings. This is just one of my concepts. Yes mine. Maybe I am a philosopher. I need to write this down to find out if I really am. Whether my thoughts have any meaning. Are my thoughts worth anything to anyone else? Who knows. What a powerful thing they are to me. They drive me insane from day to day.

I was just called to duty. A duty that I love but just one of the many duties of existence which breaks the flow of my thoughts. The ones which I have trouble grasping, holding onto. My son is a driving force in my life. Why? That seems obvious and it is. The thing is I want to know what drives us to think the way we do. Why do we love? What drives me to even want to know. The mind, the world, the universe is so complex. It would be easier to let it just happen. Many do. Go through it without even a thought about why. The questions, the possibilities are the things which drive me insane. Insane in short bursts. The thing which drives me to habitually blurt out unfinished questions and affirmations then struggle to think about the subject, any subject which might flow from that inspiration. My mind is a trap. A trap from which there is no escape. I don’t want to. I want to live forever in the hope that one day I might understand……something. Not the sort of understanding that comes from hearing a recitation of how an internal combustion engine works. The sort of understanding that comes from knowing. Just knowing something. Intangible, but truly understanding something as fact without knowing the details. I think that this is the key for me. I want to know and I want to know it all. I don’t need wealth, although it would be nice. It would be nice because maybe it would allow me the time to get to understand why I am here. Whether we are just meaningless. I think I am going mad. Maybe writing all of this down will fend off the inevitable. I can see myself huddled in a corner with just tiny sparks of the meanings of everything flashing off constantly in my head. Everything in the universe passing through my thoughts at once and unable to hold onto any of it. Maybe this is something that I almost wish for myself sometimes. To know for a certainty even a tiny bit the way things are. To know that what I know is not the misunderstandings of someone else just spinning around and repeated in my imaginings, but the truth. That is what I am here for. The truth. That is what I want to know. Why? Not how. When, is a fact. Who, is a fact. How, can be known, even if difficult, but why? That is something that we could ask forever with no answer. To know for yourself is the only way. You cannot know by reading this or anything else but I think that that is what I want. Yes I think so. Ultimately. But I hope that understanding even a part of those other questions might help. Maybe they will just help me to understand what my question is. But I start here. Yes, here.

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